AibiChan’s blog

Is this what I get for being honest?
I'm terrified of what you have to say. But I can't defend myself until you tell me which post made you angry. All of them have two sides. The side you think you see, and the side you don't, but is actually the correct one.

Are you going to punish me for it before I can explain?
I guess so. Go me.

It is national "fall in love with Aibi" week on the interwebs.
Please, feel free to contribute to it by confessing your undying love to me. I will promptly add you to the list.
We have currently a list of four suitors out of 7 days.
The forth being my fiance', but he always confesses, so it's technically 3.

Still, that's fuckin' ridiculous for one week.

=A=

Why did I wake up this morning for you if all we were going to do is fight over the stupidest shit?
You're yelling at me for being a penny pincher. No. Not a spendthrift. Not a lavish, reckless spender.
A goddamn penny pincher.
You're yelling at me for suggesting ways to you on how to SAVE MONEY.
But apparently the best is ONLY the best if it's as expensive as a game system or more. You always have to be right and the sheer of idea of buying something cheaper EVEN if it has the same properties you require makes you feel it's not good enough.

I will always fucking be this way.
You don't need to fucking YELL at me for suggesting something YOU KNOW isn't ANYTHING malice or bitter.
It's fucking goddamn suggestion/opinion!
YOU'RE the one who wants me to SHARE MY FEELINGS with you.

Fucking Goddammit, I should just go back to fucking bed

Pisces (Feb 19 - Mar 20)

Today can be a bit confusing, but not because of your lack of understanding. In fact, your problem may be the opposite -- arising from your awareness and not from your ignorance. You want to be cautious and trust your logic, yet you are totally ready to jump right in without hesitating one moment. Don't shut down just because you lack clear direction.

Sagittarius (Nov 22 - Dec 21)

A friend who usually supports your ideas may come down on you very hard today, but it probably isn't quite as heavy as it seems. In fact, there could be a silver lining in the dark cloud and it will be to your great advantage if you can locate it. Whatever you do, don't spew negativity on the messenger or you can miss an opportunity to improve your thinking process.

I Lol'd.

Current Music: Weight Of The World - Saliva
Current Mood: Sort of annoyed.

"You're in sooo much trouble."
"I am nooot..."
"Yes you are. You can't expect me to know you decided to play your new Wii until 2pm. You didn't even text me. I've been calling your cell all morning."
"It's in my room. And I am not. You should have known I'd be on it, it's a new Wii and I want to play it."
"I just wish you'd have called me to tell me you'd be on it all day."
"You should have known. Stop being so controlling!"
***
Isn't that what you wanted?
For me to be more controlling?
To be more independent and more of a leader?
For me to be your damn dominatrix? :/
You WANT me to call you. You say I don't call you enough. You get mad that you always wake ME up and I never call you to see where you are if you're not on by noon.
But when I DO it, (TOTALLY justified, might I add) you get mad at me!
You tell me not to assume things. Yet then you expect me to know?
You always use the defense "I'm not a mind reader." to save your ass, but then you turn around and expect me to be one?
"Stop being so controlling!" But isn't that what you wanted?
And I'm not even BEING controlling. I just fucking asked you where you were and if you were still sleeping. I joked about you being in trouble.
Fuck, don't go jumping to left field conclusions and calling me things I am most certainly not. Don't get so defensive if I ask why you didn't let me know.

Do you want me to be more in control or not? I feel like I'm not meeting your "standards" either way.

Make up your fucking mind, okay?

What are the 5 words that best describe your life right now?
Submitted by mojito.  

Lonely, boring, frustrating, aimless, depressing.

Everything was perfect. Everything was planned. Everything I wanted. My future was perfectly set in stone for me. My education. My life.
But it's all gone. All of it. One day changed everything. And I lost it all.

And you know what?

It's all your fault, Daddy.

Pros:
I know how to draw.
I have a pretty good understanding of human anatomy, especially of women.
I have a good sense of basic shading, coloring, and digital programs such as Flash and Photoshop.
I draw things mostly by visual in my mind.
I'm a pretty good writer.
I use a computer well.
I'm a fast learner, mostly.
...
That's it.

Cons:
The only thing I know how to draw is Anime. Which, frankly, doesn't count as an art form in the real world.
My male anatomy alone could use work.
I cannot draw overweight people, human/creature people, old people, muscly men, or anyone ugly.
I still have a lot to learn with digital coloring. A fuckton, honestly. And professional artist could pick me and my art apart slowly and painfully, piece by piece.
The fact I draw things from my mind limits me as for things I need to know how to draw in order to get anywhere in life.
I don't have any experience in drawing inanimate objects, like architecture, furniture, and landscapes, scenery.
I cannot draw realism, nor realistic animals.
I cannot draw vehicles, metal objects or weaponry, including swords and guns. Mecha as well.
I do not enjoy shading or basic art classes that teach the above listed fundamentals.
I do not enjoy my own talents that I do possess because they are quite obviously not "good enough."

Thank you, goodbye.

Current Mood: Work-A-Holic
Current Music: God Knows... - Aya Hirano

Well, here I am again. Yeah. Back on my little bitching "I hate the world" journal. But hey, I really feel like typing anyway, I feel the need to blab a little. So let me be.

I think I might start writing here. Not blogging. Writing. Typing up short descriptive segments that really don't mean anything, but are just something I thought up. Maybe I'll write all my daily prompts down in this, to frequent this place more often. To keep myself thinking. I've recently come up with some ideas for a new story, thought it's honestly still very sketchy, and I still need a few more supporting characters to help tie in and round the plot off nicely. It could make a cute beginner story, something I can use to practice my screen toning skills on. Something to help me out with expressions, poses, inking, and general story telling and comic placement. It'll be a good experience for me, if I can just get at LEAST a skeleton storyline out. I can't post any of my character sheets on my art community page, because I constantly live in fear that I'll shoot out a bunch of character sheets for everyone to see, let everyone in on my inner workings, get them all excited, to only let this story sit in my file cabinet and rot like all my other ones. I don't want to do that to them. (Sigh)
Maybe I'm just thinking too hard. Maybe I need to sit back and let my imagination flow as freely as it did when I was 13. I always feel like I'm thinking too hard. If I just write down the plotline I had going, maybe something would come to me. I'm lurking in writer's forums, using writing prompts, reading anything I can that might inspire me, and looking at images as a source of inspiration as well. But nothing has really come to me since that night, where I was just lying in bed after reading a fairy tale spin-off comic when the idea came to me, so simply. Even my boyfriend thought the idea was adorable, so I instantly jumped on that train to follow up on the story. (He's a hard one to please when it comes to a good storyline, let me tell you. I don't think it would hold his interest to the very end anyway, unless I get amazing overnight.)
I think plotlining is in order. I have two current projects not relating to this that I also need to finish at the moment, but I like to have more than one thing going on at the same time so if I happen to get bored with one project, I can do something else, yet still be productive.

Anyway. I have realized how absolutely bitchy and whiny a friend of mine is. She came back to visit California from her new home (College) and every single journal entry she's posted is just complete and total bitching about how she hates it here, and how everyone is a flake and won't keep her entertained for three weeks, because she clearly can't do it herself. And when friends do try their hand at keeping her amused as long as they can, she comes home and bitches about it again anyway. How she suddenly really wants to go home, and how California sucks, and how she really has no good friends here, blah blah blah. She also posted an entry about how she just recently realized she might be leaving people she needed to talk to, and that maybe she wasn't the best of friends for a period of time.
Just recently. After all the damage is done. After I have grown nothing but dislike for her now. After she caused my boyfriend SO MUCH fucking stress and discontent at the end of the year because she was a prideful bitch, only to finally let him back in and act like nothing is wrong. They're all chummy chummy again, and I honestly find it sort of sickening. I can't for the life of me let shit like that lie. Act like everything is okay. And I don't. I don't talk to her much anymore, because when I do all she does is start to rant about everything she hates, and boys that still refuse to quit stalking her, and how she misses so-and-so or hates so-and-so. How there's nothing to do, and everyone is a flake. Being defensive or turning everything I say that might just go against her opinion as opening for an argument. Not to mention talking to her is like talking to a computer. All her words are cold and flat. Or rather, her typing. She and I both have long since lost the playfulness we used to have when I DID put up with her, but hell knows I can live without it.

I want to know why I'm so selfish. Selfish enough to feel like crying when I can hear him having so much fun over the phone. He's out with his friends. Our friends. Friends that I used to be able to hang out with, too.
And he sounds so happy.
Why can't I just be happy that he's happy? Why do I have to get all choked up when I hear everyone having such a good time?

I miss my home. I miss my friends.
No. My family.
I miss my hugs.
I don't want to cry though. I really don't want to cry..

I'm just so lonely...

But there is nothing I can do. So I guess I'll just sit here.
Let the tears flow.

What would you do if I told you I was afraid?
That I was scared of it.
Scared shitless of all of it.
I'm not used to having responsibility. I've sat in my room doing nothing but living for the past 6+ months.
I'm not used to the thought of having a job.
I am socially awkward with anyone outside of my safety zone.
I just..
I don't know. I'm just scared.
I don't even know how to drive yet.
I want you out of that environment. I want to to be somewhere where you feel safe. Like with me.
I want to be with you. Just us.
But...
I won't feel safe. Money and bills will become a stress. It's all happening so fast. It feels bittersweet.
I'm so scared of life.

In short..
I don't feel like I have the power to support both of us. Not even just one of us. I feel like I won't be able to do it. Like I'm not good enough. It seems silly...but it makes me feel like I'm going to vomit.
I hate feeling this way.